Through the Darkness | When your kids needs the light...
The following was written by Kayla Lin, LAPC
Parents are fixers. We straighten teeth with braces, intervene with coaches, and help with homework (or at least find someone who can). Naturally, when our kids go through grief, our instinctive problem-solving tendencies spring into action. Although our intentions are good, these quick fixes don’t equip our children with what they need to learn how to cope with grief. Instead, we need to guide our kids through, not around, the grieving process. So what does that mean exactly?
Avoid positive spins. We have all experienced a time when we were mourning a loss and someone responded by putting a “positive spin” on the situation. Maybe someone said, “At least he’s no longer suffering” or “Everything happens for a reason.” These positive spins tend to dismiss and avoid the difficulty that a person is experiencing, and may even cause them to feel shame. This kind of response tells someone that he or she shouldn’t be feeling the way they do. It can be hard to know what to say and what not to say when your kid is experiencing a crisis. So, our friends at GoWeekly created a conversation guide for parents. It is included below.
Empathize with their reality. If you want to guide your child through grief, it’s important to understand what they are experiencing. Understanding how your child perceives the crisis allows you to empathize with them, whether you agree with their perception or not.
It is important to remember that even if you believe your child is wrong in what they see or how they feel, it is their reality. When we empathize with their reality, we are building trust and our kids learn that they can share their feelings without judgment. Empathy is extremely helpful during the grieving process because it creates a bridge and reduces isolation. Grief can lead to feelings of isolation or loneliness very quickly, since many times people feel that they go through crisis alone. But empathy builds a bridge of connectedness, allowing people to heal faster.
Encourage self-care. Another way you can help your child through grief is to show them how to take care of themselves. Self-care activities can aid in healing. But it’s important to distinguish whether an activity is productive or simply a way to avoid the grief. Avoidance activities are activities that don’t re-energize us when completed; productive self-care activities make us feel refreshed. For a teenager, a productive activity could be something as simple as reading, journaling, or listening to music. Helping your child identify what they need and making sure they take that time out for themselves is helpful for dealing with current and future times of grief.
Remind them of God’s presence. Lastly, it’s important to remind your student that they’re never alone. It can be helpful to ask how they feel about God’s presence in the midst of tragedy. If they respond with questions or doubt, that’s okay. These questions need to be processed, not answered immediately; when they reach a conclusion on their own, it leads to stronger faith than an answer given to them.
Kayla Lin is a Licensed Associate Professional Counselor at Paraclete Counseling Center in Canton, Georgia.
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